Left 4 Dead 2: Silent Prayer
by hidden-in-a-tree
Summary: "There are places in the heart that do not yet exist; suffering has to enter in for them to come to be."  - Leon Bloy.  Oneshot. Ellis' POV. Tragedy.


**Author's Note: **As said in Stephen King's _Desperation_,sometimes God makes you live. Some call it a gift, but me personally … I call it torture. My friend told me a story about a man who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and lived, and then he came back weeks later to do it again and didn't survive the second time. Sometimes people don't want that second chance, and sometimes … sometimes people throw their lives away for no reason. It's horrible that people can give up on life when some people don't even get a chance to really live. And sometimes, people plan out their entire lives but in reality are only going to be around for a few years, like a beautiful young woman who had a time-limit placed on her. It's unfair. It isn't right, but that's life.

Rest in peace M.W … the world has lost an angel.

Oneshot. Ellis' POV. Tragedy.

**Disclaimer: **I wish I owned Ellis … I'd give him a big hug.

**Acknowledgements: **Thanks to Amanda for reading this, and thanks to Sean as well, although all he said is, "It's good. I like it." Your words of praise really do strike a chord in my heart.

**Summary:** "There are places in the heart that do not yet exist; suffering has to enter in for them to come to be." - Leon Bloy.

**Silent Prayer**

God, I wanna ask You somethin'. Now, I know You're listenin'. You're always listenin'. The problem is that You barely ever answer me. I can't even count how many questions I've asked You over my twenty-three years of bein' alive, God, but I think it's a real big number. Maybe – maybe You're just so damn busy Y – You just don't have much time for – for me or somethin' like that, or maybe it's just part of bein' You: You don't answer. You listen, sure – that's a given, but You don't answer.

I've heard You be called some horrid things, God. Cruel, mean, merciless … I ain't ever said any of that against You, Lord, not me. Not Your Ellis. My ma, she raised me real well. Brought me to church every Sunday, made me recite scripture passages before I could go play with Keith, told me I should pray every night. She said that You'd be my best friend, that You'd always be there for me, that when all else fails in the world I can still count on You.

Now, I don't wanna sound rude or nothin', but God, You haven't been a real good best friend. Maybe my ma was wrong in sayin' You'd always be there for me too. 'Cause frankly, You haven't been much to lean on lately. I mean no offence, Lord. I'm just doin' another thing my ma told me to do – tell the truth to You always.

I never blamed You for the infection. T'be honest, I don't think You had much to do with it. The pastor at my church, Pastor Harry, he always said that the world knows when something has been blessed by You, that we'd know when something was Your work. Well, that was before Pastor Harry turned into a Goddamn zombie – beggin' Your pardon; I know I shouldn't swear, Lord, but that's probably the least of Your worries right now – and, like, the day before the infection hit Savannah, Pastor Harry said everythin' has Your fingerprints all over. Everythin'.

I'm thinkin' that Pastor Harry was a little nuts by then. I know You've sent plagues 'n' stuff to wipe out people before, but this time … I just don't see it. Tell me I'm wrong, Lord, if it pleases You.

…

Please tell me if I'm wrong. I've been wrong before; it won't hurt my pride none if You say I've gone and done it again. I think I could handle this better – handle everythin' better if I knew You were the one behind it. There'd be a reason for the sufferin' – that's another thing they said at church. They said that if You brought me to somethin', You'd bring me through it. So please, God, tell me if I'm wrong. Tell me there's some grand ol' scheme 'n' I'm just playin' my part, but I'm doin' it well.

…

Well, I was gonna say that it's okay for You not to say nothin', but that'd be a lie. 'N' lyin' to God, my ma always said, was a black mark on my soul. I think tellin' you it hurts real bad 'cause you don't care about me none is stupid 'cause You already know how I feel. An – and if You already know that, then maybe … maybe You could try an – an' help me.

Help me, God. I'm drownin'. I ain't kiddin' neither.

You've gone and left me all alone, an' on top of that, You've taken my friends from me. First You took my ma, then You took Keith, an' I felt like I could handle all that. I knew they were in a better place. 'Sides, Ma wouldn't've lasted long in a zombie apocalypse – she wouldn't've been able to kill nothin'. Even if the zombies were attackin' her, she would'a just let 'em. She was real humane, my ma. 'N' Keith, well, he – well, I don't know why You took him from me. He'd been my best friend since I can remember. We'd done everythin' together. Wouldn't it've made sense that we killed zombies together too? I never … never even got to say goodbye to him. You just stole him from me. In a blink of an eye, he was gone. You didn't give me any relief from that neither. I just sorta moved on 'cause I had to. 'Cause I had to be on my toes or else I'd die too.

An' then – an' then when I found people I could feel safe around, You took 'em from me too. I can't believe You took Coach and Rochelle from me when Nick and I needed 'em so bad. It's like – like You were reinforcin' the idea that You didn't care 'bout me at all. I mean, if You wanted to see me so bad, You could've just killed me with a lightnin' bolt or somethin', but no, You let me suffer.

Frankly, I didn't know how much more You could throw at me. Every night I was scared outta my skin to go to sleep 'cause I didn't know if Nick would be there in the mornin'. I was terrified of closin' my eyes for too long because I figgered that when I opened 'em, Nick would be gone. I told him that once, and he said he wasn't going anywhere. He'd be there with me through the entire thing.

I got another bone to pick with You, Lord. Right when people make that promise – that stupid promise t'always be there for someone – You make 'em break it. You take 'em away. An – an' just like that, Nick was taken from me as well.

Lord, if You really wanted to break me, if You really wanted to make me crawl 'n' fall flat on my face, that's all You had to do. I never knew what bein' shattered felt like, what constantly fallin' felt like. Now I do. You took the last person that meant anythin' to me. Took him long before his time was up. I don't know if it's possible that You need Nick more than I do, but I doubt it. I doubt it real bad. There ain't no way.

I need Nick. I need him every minute of every day. He's the reason I'm still livin'. He kept me smilin' through my tears. He made me believe that I had a future outside of runnin' for my life and shootin' people that used to be normal, used to be just like me. Nick was all I had left in the world, and now he's gone.

Nick kept me safe. He kept me movin'. He kept me hopin', believin'. He listened real well to my fears when the shadows of the night crept around the safe house. He recalled memories of Ro 'n' Coach with me. He helped me keep 'em alive in my mind.

I know he might not've been a real nice person, but he weren't too bad once y'got to know him. He yelled at me a lot sometimes; he got pissed and threatened to shoot me once or twice; but I knew that he meant what he said when he told me he'd be there with me till the end. Till we got rescued or died together, whatever might've happened.

God, You're cruel. You're mean and merciless. 'Cause, really, what mercy have You shown me lately? What relief have You given me? I'm sittin' here in the dark all by myself, my face so swollen from cryin' I can't see out of my eyes, and I don't know how I'm goin' to go on.

Lord, how am I supposed to keep movin' forward when I can't lift myself off the ground? There is no helpin' hand pullin' me to my feet. I've reached my hand out and felt nothin'. I've searched 'n' searched – my heart, my mind, my life. I have nothin' to fall back on anymore. No friendly faces, no family, no nothin'. Not even a stranger. No one.

God, why did You take Nick from me? Why? He was my only life line. He was the person that was keeping me afloat in all of this. There was nowhere on Earth that Nick would've been more appreciated. I never took him for granted. Remember? Remember, Lord, how I thanked You for bringin' him to me right from the start? I knew it was because of You that he was with me. I know You didn't take him to teach me a lesson, so why? God, PLEASE, I need an answer. I need to make sense of this. I need to find meaning. If I don't – I dunno – I dunno –

I – I remember when – when my pap died 'n' Pastor Harry said that the Lord hath given and the Lord hath taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. I was never real close with my pap, so I was glad he was in a better place. A place away from strokes 'n' the medicine-like smell of hospitals 'n' the pain of waitin' to die. I understood, Lord. I understood that it was his time. He'd been sufferin' for years 'n' years. You were merciful – You finally took my pap into Your embrace.

But I can't – I _can't_ say blessed be the name of the Lord for taking away Nick. Couldn't You have taken someone else? Anyone? I know that's a sin, I know it ain't nice of me, but I don't care. I just don't care anymore. The only thing I can thank You for is takin' Nick away from the agony of livin' this type of life. The blood, the heavy smell of death, the terror … they all weigh down a person's soul. Mine's so heavy, Lord. I don't know how I can even stand it.

Please, Lord. Everythin' – everythin' will go right if – if Nick is returned to me. I ain't ever asked for someone to be given back, 'n' I know he's in a better place 'n' all, but please. And I ain't ever begged You before neither, but I'm pleadin' now. Please, God.

You can't possibly need him as much as I do.


End file.
